This morning, while sipping my tea and watching the sun come up behind the now snow-covered trees, I meditated on the idea of self worth and authenticity. I had just drawn my morning tarot and oracle cards, and placed them in the little metal stands I keep on the windowsill in my office, where they act as reminders for my day. This morning, I drew the nine of discs, which signifies the positive culmination of a project and enjoying a sense of pride in your accomplishments. My oracle card matched this vibe perfectly, telling me to “be proud of yourself” and suggested that perhaps I have not been fully believing in myself. Specifically, when I searched out the card in its corresponding guidebook, I read “drawing this card suggests that there are a lot of unresolved self worth questions that need to be addressed” and that I needed to practice authenticity; be proud of who I truly am.
Jeez, self worth, huh? That’s a pretty deep well for me, in all honesty. In many ways, I have always practiced radical self love. I don’t like to do that self-deprecating thing where I downplay myself verbally for the benefit of my audience. I understood long ago that other people aren’t the only ones listening when I put myself down; my own mind is listening, too. If I keep telling myself I am worthless, eventually I will believe it and that will become my reality. But aside from that, I actually do like myself. I think I am a pretty awesome human being. I like my face and my body (on most days), I feel smart and capable, and I enjoy my own company. I don’t see any need to say negative things about myself, because I also can’t stand liars.
I will never forget one morning at work, standing in the halls before the bell with a colleague, and the conversation (I don’t remember what it was) led me to say something along the lines of “I am amazing.” He looked at me like I was crazy and said “wow, that’s nice,” as if I had said something to insult him. I had to explain that just because I think I am amazing doesn’t mean I think other people are NOT amazing. We have been so conditioned by society and our culture to self-depreciate that it is now an insult to others when you say something positive about yourself out loud. We tell kids in grade school to believe in their smarts and their strengths, but our adult behaviors actually model the importance of downplaying them in polite society. Somehow we equate “I am amazing” with “I am an arrogant dick that doesn’t care about anyone but myself.” Low self-esteem is an epidemic.
When I left my teaching career to start working and living differently, I was fully aware that I was no longer going to contribute to my family financially as much as I had before. I understood that most of my labor would take place in the home. My husband, an amazingly generous and supportive man, also understood these things, and has never once begrudged me this. As a matter of fact, I have received nothing but support and encouragement from my family and friends, all of whom still value me just as much now as they did before. But even with all of this, I feel… inadequate. The problem, then, is me. I have forgotten how to value myself without a full time career outside of the home. My current inability to pay a full half of the household bills has somehow eroded my self-confidence. As someone who has been employed and rather self-sufficient for the majority of the last 25 years, I am finding now that I had tied quite a bit of my self worth to money. Lately, because of this, I do not see myself as valuable or contributing.
I was bemoaning all of this to a close friend recently, and she was listening to me with disbelief. “Jaclyn, you have literally changed my life with your yoga business. You have helped me improve my mental health, my physical health, my relationships with others, my sex life, my work life….” I laughed when she told me that I should be charging double what I do now, unable to accept that what I do is all that important. I realize now, looking back at that conversation, that I was in full self-deprecation mode. Yesterday, I got a card in the mail from a yoga student that read “Thank you for welcoming me, accepting me, and teaching me how I can be better for myself.” I was so touched by the sentiment, and was so grateful for her words, but STILL didn’t see how I had anything to do with her happiness; it’s like I am completely unable to realize my own contributions to the world!
My goodness, I am raising a teenager, providing her with her entire eighth grade school year curriculum and then some, running a business, maintaining a home, raising animals, keeping my family fed, organizing all of the holidays and birthdays and trips, writing a book, growing a large portion of my own food, keeping up with my own exercise routine, managing appointments and our family calendar… the list goes on and on. I will spend two days writing, editing, and publishing this blog post for the 20 or so people who might read it and gain some insight from it. It is time that I understand that although the majority of my labor is not paid labor, it is still damn hard work that I should be proud of.

I know that I am not alone in these feelings of self doubt and inadequacy; we all
have them to some degree, even those of us who are accustomed to having more confidence in ourselves. You might question if you are a good spouse, a good parent, or a good employee. Sometimes, especially as we age, we begin to question if we have ever done anything worthwhile with our lives. Have I made an impact? Have I left my print on this world in any way, or will I just fade into oblivion? Does what I do matter? Am I good at anything? I’m not sure who we are always trying to impress; others or ourselves? Most of the time, I find that other people think I’m doing pretty well and I’m the one who is displeased with some facet of myself. Sometimes, one’s own mind is a horrible place to be.
Buddhism teaches that trying to hold on to personal identity is delusional; that clinging on to the idea of being an individual is a waste of time and causes nothing but suffering. Buddha taught anatta, or “no self,” which is basically the idea that constantly trying to “be” something or “have” something (that is mine, I am this) takes you further from enlightenment. In order to find peace, we must let go of the idea that we are an individual, single, separate, or unique. This is a big ask, especially in Western society, where individualism is glorified. In a society that is obsessed with “me,” thinking about the dissolution of self can be a real brain-twister. But I look at it this way: I have absolutely nothing to gain by being dissatisfied with myself and the idea that I need to constantly be more than I am has caused me nothing but suffering. Maybe, instead of constantly looking for outside situations and actions to ease my self-doubt (if I make more money, if I work harder, if I do more), letting go and accepting things as they are is where I find peace.
In the jungle hunters place a banana in a bamboo cage.
There is a hole just large enough for a monkey’s hand.
The monkey reaches in and grabs the banana.
Now he can’t extract his hand. He has trapped himself.
To go free he must simply let go of the banana.
But out of greed and ignorance, he holds tightly to the very cause of his imprisonment.
Let go, let go, let go.
~“Reflections on the Dharma” Ian McCrorie
“You can only lose what you cling to.”
~Buddha
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