I am sick. My head is stuffy and full, making me woozy and off-balance. My ears are plugged, sinuses throbbing, and a constant stream is flowing down the back of my throat. I’ve tested negative for Covid for the hundredth time, and I’m certainly not on my deathbed by any means, but it’s also December, the darkest month of the year, yesterday was day two of dark skies and rain, a tree fell on my Jeep, my chickens quit laying, and I have about a hundred holiday responsibilities breathing down my neck. It is the perfect storm of depression and anxiety inducing scenarios. Why, then, am I not anxious or depressed?
I almost always struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder this time of year; in fact, I can’t remember the last time I didn’t cry on Christmas. I’m not supposed to tell people this, of course, because I’m a mom and I’m always supposed to be happy, especially during the holidays when I am supposed to make magic for the rest of my family. We are expected to have our masks firmly in place this time of year, are we not? Oddly, this year depression has so far eluded me. Let’s be clear, I’m not exactly farting rainbows at the moment, but I do not feel sad. Rather, I have been experiencing a great sense of security and calm. I feel acceptance; a deep sense of being okay with whatever happens. I don’t like having a cold or having to cancel yoga classes or missing workouts or falling behind on things… but I accept it.
For the past couple of weeks, as I have waited for the other shoe to drop (because I know that all things change and not to become too attached to my current state), I have mulled over all of the things I do each winter to guide myself through the turmoil. Starting in the beginning of October, I take extra Vitamin D, C, and Zinc every day; immune boosters and depression protection. I set up a chair and a fireplace in my greenhouse and try to get as much sun exposure as I can. I even sneak into a tanning booth once in a while when I need an extra dose (I know, I know, it’s bad for you. But so is depression). I stay dedicated to my exercise routine, hitting the gym and getting extra cardio on top of my weight training at least a few times a week. I meditate, journal, practice self care, and keep my therapist’s number in my “favorites.” All of these things I do every year, and still I struggle. Until this year.
In all honesty, I fully expected to be anxiety and depression free last year, my first winter after leaving my high school teaching career in the dust; I thought that there was no way I could be sad when my life was going so well. Boy, was I surprised when the December blues kicked in right on schedule! Last year, not only did we have frigid weather on Christmas, but members of my family tested positive for Covid right before the holiday, so we spent our time together outdoors, some of us with masks on, opening presents in the snow and brushing campfire ashes off of our Christmas cookies. I allowed those external circumstances to drag me down; I completely forgot how to practice acceptance to avoid suffering, and I dove headfirst into my own despair. Ridiculous.
Last night I barely slept. It was the cold moon, a full moon in Gemini and a lunar occultation with Mars, which meant that Mars was very close to Earth and lined up with the sun, so you could see it peeking out right next to the moon very brightly. The sky outside was so pale, it lit up my whole back yard. The trees appeared silvery and everything outside was so very still. It was warm out, nearly 50 degrees, and I had snuggled up into a thick quilt so I could have the window wide open behind my bed. I sat for hours, propped up on my pillows, watching the sky while my husband snored delicately beside me. I watched Mars come out from behind the moon and slowly drift, and even through the mist and fog I could make out its slightly reddish tinge. The vastness of the universe and power of nature has always had an effect on me; I was emotional as I watched the beautiful sky and breathed in the damp winter air. I felt small and insignificant, and at the same time very safe. When literal planets are moving in front of you, how can you cling to things like shopping lists and stuffy noses? How could I worry about dust when I am dust?
And here is my enlightenment; I am everything and nothing all at once. Depression doesn’t matter and happiness doesn’t matter. Emotions are just another human experience, just like sickness and death and joy and health. Trees will fall on Jeeps and chickens will lay eggs or not lay eggs and there will be bills to pay and people to love and everything will always keep changing and planets will keep spinning and shining. There is nothing to choose. There is nothing to control. The fourth noble truth is the truth of the cessation of suffering; acceptance is that truth. Let go, let go, let go.
Today is the 8th of December; Bodhi Day. It is the day when Buddhists celebrate the enlightened one; when Siddhartha Guatama became the Buddha. He sat under the Bodhi tree and meditated until this day, when he finally became liberated from all suffering. He did this through acceptance; understanding that all things are impermanent and that attachment and desire are the root of suffering. I have a headache and a stuffy nose and the sun is shining. I might experience sadness or worry tomorrow or never again. But right now I am not depressed.
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