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An Open Hand

Writer's picture: jaclyn kingjaclyn king

It doesn’t happen every time, but sometimes during meditation an image or an idea (a revelation?) will arise out of nowhere. This morning was one of those times. I was just wrapping up a morning Vinyasa class, and I typically don’t get much personal practice done while I’m teaching, but sometimes I am able to sneak in a couple minutes of contemplation while my class is taking their Shavasana. As I sat with my eyes closed, just allowing myself to exist in open awareness, a very strong image of an open hand materialized in my mind. Just that; just a hand with the palm open and facing upwards. And I haven't stopped thinking about this hand all day.

The Dharma teaches us that attachment and grasping is the root of all suffering, and I do believe this to be true. Wishing for things to be other than what they are is where all of my internal strife tends to originate from; I like things to go my way and I like things to be in my control, who doesn’t?! So I understand that allowing things to be as they are and accepting whatever comes is the practice that brings you the most peace and liberation. In my logical mind, this is a very simple concept.


In my emotional mind, however, and in practice in my everyday life, this is perhaps one of the most difficult simple concepts ever! I have especially struggled with this my whole life when it comes to relationships and friendships. Navigating how to make and keep friends has not always been easy for me. I spent most of my 20's begging friends to spend time with me, being in one-sided relationships where I was solely responsible for staying in touch, communicating, making plans, and keeping the friendship afloat. The minute I would step back, the friend would be gone, since I was the only one putting any effort in. I spent years grasping onto people who did not wish to be held, and my own suffering was the result. 


In my 30's, I decided that I was unlikable and didn’t deserve friendships. Nobody wanted to hang out with me, and it must be my fault. I was never able to figure out what I was doing wrong, but my irrational emotional mind told me it was definitely a me problem; I must deserve to be lonely. I gave up and stopped even trying to have friends for a very long time. While this appeared to be non-grasping, what I really did was withdraw my hand completely and stopped accepting anything new. I held my closed fist very near and refused to extend it, thinking it would just lead to more heartbreak. 


I’m in my 40's now, and I have been practicing having my hand stretched out but always open, meaning things can come and things can go. I take great joy in friendships and opportunities to socialize, but I don’t force people to stay a constant in my life. This is hard for me. Recently, I have been feeling a distance in some of my friendships. That old feeling of rejection sometimes rises back up and I start to analyze myself, looking for faults. However, open-handed me remembers that not everything revolves around ME; people drift for their own reasons! I work to decenter myself whenever I start feeling the victim; just because someone is quiet doesn’t necessarily have to do with me. I am not the center of the world; I am only the center of my own experience. I know that I am a kind and generous person who likes to have fun. I always remember that old saying, “if they wanted to, they would" and I try hard to accept that.


So today, my metaphorical hand is open. Recently, old relationships have come back to life, and I am overjoyed to welcome their return. Coming home from retreat, I am still glowing from the sisterhood and friendship I found there; those women are now my friends for life, even if I never see them again (and I completely accept that). My open hand has also recently allowed beautiful and surprising new relationships to form. I still have many days of solitude, and I find joy there too. I have been alone before, for very long stretches of time, so I know how to do it well now. I have befriended myself. My hand remains open. I let you go if you need to go, and I do wish you all of the love in the world while you are gone, whether it’s for a day or forever. I no longer feel angry or resentful towards people who leave, because maybe they will come back someday. Or maybe my hand will only be empty for a short time before someone new lands there. My hand is open. What is meant for me will come. 




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