It doesn’t happen every time, but sometimes during meditation an image or an idea (a revelation?) will arise out of nowhere. This morning was one of those times. I was just wrapping up a morning Vinyasa class, and I typically don’t get much personal practice done while I’m teaching, but sometimes I am able to sneak in a couple minutes of contemplation while my class is taking their Shavasana. As I sat with my eyes closed, just allowing myself to exist in open awareness, a very strong image of an open hand materialized in my mind. Just that; just a hand with the palm open and facing upwards. And I haven't stopped thinking about this hand all day.

The Dharma teaches us that attachment and grasping is the root of all suffering, and I do believe this to be true. Wishing for things to be other than what they are is where all of my internal strife tends to originate from; I like things to go my way and I like things to be in my control, who doesn’t?! So I understand that allowing things to be as they are and accepting whatever comes is the practice that brings you the most peace and liberation. In my logical mind, this is a very simple concept.
In my emotional mind, however, and in practice in my everyday life, this is perhaps one of the most difficult simple concepts ever! I have especially struggled with this my whole life when it comes to relationships and friendships. Navigating how to make and keep friends has not always been easy for me. I spent most of my 20's begging friends to spend time with me, being in one-sided relationships where I was solely responsible for staying in touch, communicating, making plans, and keeping the friendship afloat. The minute I would step back, the friend would be gone, since I was the only one putting any effort in. I spent years grasping onto people who did not wish to be held, and my own suffering was the result.

In my 30's, I decided that I was unlikable and didn’t deserve friendships. Nobody wanted to hang out with me, and it must be my fault. I was never able to figure out what I was doing wrong, but my irrational emotional mind told me it was definitely a me problem; I must deserve to be lonely. I gave up and stopped even trying to have friends for a very long time. While this appeared to be non-grasping, what I really did was withdraw my hand completely and stopped accepting anything new. I held my closed fist very near and refused to extend it, thinking it would just lead to more heartbreak.
I’m in my 40's now, and I have been practicing having my hand stretched out but always open, meaning things can come and things can go. I take great joy in friendships and opportunities to socialize, but I don’t force people to stay a constant in my life. This is hard for me. Recently, I have been feeling a distance in some of my friendships. That old feeling of rejection sometimes rises back up and I start to analyze myself, looking for faults. However, open-handed me remembers that not everything revolves around ME; people drift for their own reasons! I work to decenter myself whenever I start feeling the victim; just because someone is quiet doesn’t necessarily have to do with me. I am not the center of the world; I am only the center of my own experience. I know that I am a kind and generous person who likes to have fun. I always remember that old saying, “if they wanted to, they would" and I try hard to accept that.

So today, my metaphorical hand is open. Recently, old relationships have come back to life, and I am overjoyed to welcome their return. Coming home from retreat, I am still glowing from the sisterhood and friendship I found there; those women are now my friends for life, even if I never see them again (and I completely accept that). My open hand has also recently allowed beautiful and surprising new relationships to form. I still have many days of solitude, and I find joy there too. I have been alone before, for very long stretches of time, so I know how to do it well now. I have befriended myself. My hand remains open. I let you go if you need to go, and I do wish you all of the love in the world while you are gone, whether it’s for a day or forever. I no longer feel angry or resentful towards people who leave, because maybe they will come back someday. Or maybe my hand will only be empty for a short time before someone new lands there. My hand is open. What is meant for me will come.
Comentarii